What Changed Choices Means to Me

I can pretty much sum it up in one word, "HOPE".

I want to start out by telling you something about myself. I’m a 41 year old woman with a teenaged son. I came from a background of abuse – physical, sexual and emotional. I grew up thinking I was worthless. I started drinking and using drugs at an early age. I've been through three marriages. I’ve watched family members die and family members just turn their back on me. I always thought I had to buy my family’s love and I would work double shifts to be able to provide for them. I would drop everything and run to them when they needed something done. I went through 13 surgeries since 1989 and got hooked on pain medication. With the medication, I could escape and become this super Mom, daughter, wife, sister and friend. I could control the pain and work longer hours.

In 1991, I started wanting more from life. I sought out a church. I saw how peaceful they looked. I started reading my Bible but not understanding what it was telling me. I quit drinking for a while and went to church regularly. I went forward in an alter call and thought God would fix my life. I found out I had to fix me. I soon fell back to my old self. I thought then I was hopeless, that God would not even want me. I was “dirty” and for years I wanted to die and I even failed at that. But inside I was empty, I was miserable, I failed at everything I did. I met my third husband in 1993. From 1993 – 1998, I drank and used drugs – still I felt empty, unloved and dirty. I would read my Bible and ask God to change my life and change the world I lived in. (Be careful what you pray for.)

God took me into that change in 1998. I hit bottom. I lost custody of my only son, I stabbed my second husband and was sent to prison for six months and put on intense probation for three years. When I was in prison, I went to every Bible Study I could, went through the drug program and talked to counselors. I still was empty. I got out of prison, faithfully went to church, read my Bible and got closer to the Lord Jesus. I began to understand more, but I still used the pain medication. I was fighting for custody of my son and went through some dark and lonely valleys. I still felt lost.

I got so bad on the medication that I forged prescriptions and was caught. I was sent to prison for 6-8 years. I had asked God to change me and change my world – He did that. In 2002, I truly wanted to die. I said my good-byes to my husband and son, not knowing how this would affect them. I left my elderly mother who had lived with me and is still very ill.

When I got to prison, I got back on the drugs. Two months later, my husband got my 15 year old son on drugs and alcohol. He started using crack cocaine – then they started selling all my possessions. I lost my marriage, son and home to the "darkness". (But that will change – remember, God hears prayers)

Changed Choices! Ruth was introduced to me through the mail. A friend in prison told Ruth about me and she wrote me. I had never met her or spoken to her. She asked me to write her and something inside of me told me to be open and honest with my whole nasty and ugly story and see if she still would want to write to someone as nasty as me. Ruth wrote me several letters, sent books and gave me verses to look up as I shared with her my pain. God opened a door in my heart. Little by little, I saw some of the dirt and it became less painful. I saw a little light starting to shine. One day Ruth said she wanted to meet me. For two weeks I never slept. I was so ashamed to meet someone that was close to God and I was ashamed of the way I looked. I met with her at the Chaplain’s office and I had a hard time looking in her eyes. I cried all the way through our visit. She told me how God loved me, how He wanted to hold me, how I could change my world. There was HOPE! I started thinking that maybe Ruth was right. For the first time ever, I saw Jesus in a different way.

Changed Choices opened up their heart to me. I was sent clothes and money. I have no one on the outside to care enough to send me things. I got pajamas, pants, shoes, underclothes – the simplest things we take for granted. One time I even was sent hair color! They wanted me to feel good about the way I looked so that I could put my attention on Jesus.

Changed Choices has changed my future. In 2008, I’ll be 44 years old – leaving prison with very little – no home or possessions. But Changed Choices has given me Jesus. I’ve always known who Jesus was and I've known that He was the "real deal", but through Changed Choices, I got to meet Him. I got to feel His presence near me. One time I even felt His arms around me. He comes into my dreams. This may sound crazy but I have experienced Him in those ways.

It has not been an easy road. I have fought through some dark valleys but Changed Choices has been there all the way with me. If it were not for Changed Choices, I would not be able to stand in this. They gave me Jesus, they brought me HOPE! I hope some day to give back to Changed Choices. Changed Choices has sent me some money regularly, has spent time and energy on me – and has seen my highs and lows. Changed Choices’ representatives are praying for my son, mother and brother. It gives peace inside to know someone out there has Jesus in their hearts – sharing my troubles and burdens. Without Changed Choices, I would never get mail. The pen pal assigned to me has been wonderful in encouraging me and providing strong Christian friendship – something I needed! This friendship means so much to me! I get a Bible Study from them too and it is so exciting to do each one. I no longer worry about my future because God already has it planned and I’m determined to make Jesus proud of me. All my life, all I ever wanted was to be loved and wanted. Changed Choices gave that to me when they took me to Jesus’ feet. They showed me how to get there and now I am OK with my past – He took it away! I know I will still go through some valleys, but I know I have Changed Choices to walk with me. I am a changed woman on the inside. I still fall short every day, but I know my Father loves me enough to let me back to Him. I may have hard lessons but His love and peace will guide me through.

There’s not enough paper to write and tell you how important Changed Choices really is. I said that I had prayed to God to change me and my world. He has done that. It took a few years but I am on a road to bigger and better things. I have HOPE! Changed Choices gave me Jesus!